Below are two worksheets to help couples become familiar and map out their negative cycle(s). One of the first tasks of a therapist is to determine the cycle of negative interactions of a couple, which is conceptualized as a pursue/withdraw pattern in EFT. A pursuer protests the separation and distance he has experienced in love; This indicates an anxious attachment style. On the contrary, the withdrawer often distances themselves from their partner in the form of criticism or rejection to protect themselves from the lack of security in the relationship. This is a typical feature of avoidance attachments. Of course, the more times a pursuer tries to contact (usually through nagging, criticizing, and demanding closeness), the withdrawer needs to distance themselves to establish a sense of security. Pursuers often express underlying emotions, such as feeling hurt, lonely and unwanted, while withdrawers often show feelings of rejection, inadequacy or judgment.
WHEN I AM UPSET BY YOU WHEN WE ARE NOT GETTING ALONG, I FEEL (some feelings are on the surface, and some are deeper, less conscious feelings):
WHAT I THEN DO IS (BEHAVIORS):
I BEHAVE AS I DO (ABOVE) IN THE HOPE THAT (WHAT I LONG FOR IS): BUT WHEN I DO THIS, YOU SEEM TO (CHOOSE FROM THE BEHAVIORS ABOVE):
WHEN YOU DO THIS, I FEEL (CHOOSE FROM THE SURFACE FEELINGS ABOVE):
THESE BEHAVIORS DON’T WORK. INSTEAD, WE GET STUCK IN THESE REPETITIVE CYCLES THAT UPSET US BOTH.
WHEN I AM UPSET BY YOU WHEN WE ARE NOT GETTING ALONG, I FEEL (some feelings are on the surface, and some are deeper, less conscious feelings):
WHAT IF WHEN WE WERE HAVING DIFFICULTY I TOLD YOU THAT….
WHEN I’VE DONE THESE THINGS, YOU SEEM TO:
WHEN I SEE YOU DE-ESCALATING AND REASSURING ME OF YOUR AFFECTION, I FEEL:
Adapted from: Hold Me Tight, Dr. Sue Johnson; Little, Brown & Company, NY 2008.
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